I Tried 5 Cat Beds So You Don’t Have To – A Review by Salem the Cat

 

✨ “Sleep in style or don’t sleep at all.” ✨

My name is Salem Moonwhisker von Floofington III (but you may refer to me as Your Majesty because I am). I’m a house panther with refined taste and zero patience for ugly beds like at all. My human servant went on a shopping spree, and I, being the unwilling guinea pig, had to test each of them. Here's my verdict. Yes, I judged them all. And I am gonna judge you too if you dont like my taste  😼

MEOWFIA Cat Cave – Premium Felt Cat Bed

• 🐾 Material: 100% Merino Wool (so fancyyy, I almost forgive its existence)
• 🐾 Shape: Cozy cave (purrfect for dramatic exits)
• 🐾 Color Options: Light shades (because I refuse to clash with my fur)
• 🐾 Human’s Excuse for Buying It: "It’s handmade and sustainable!" (I do not care.)

👑 Salem’s Verdict: 4.5/5 Paws

"At first, I was skeptical. A cave? Am I a battt WHAT? Buttt then I realized—this thing is kinda warm I dont wanna lie, snug, and most importantly, Instagrammable. I knocked off half a paw because my human kept taking pictures of me in it. Rude."

🐱 Check Price on Amazon 🐾

Proof that I tolerated it. Mostly.

"Because even royalty needs airflow."

Coolaroo Replacement Cover – Elevated Pet Bed (Small, Grey)

• 🌀 **Material:** Breathable mesh (finally, a bed that understands my *dramatic overheating*)
• 🌀 **Design:** Elevated off the ground (for superior napping *and* judging)
• 🌀 **Color:** Grey (because I refuse to be *gaudy*)
• 🌀 **Human’s Excuse for Buying It:** *"It’s orthopedic!"* (I don’t even know what that means.)

👑 Salem’s Verdict: 3.8/5 Paws

"Listen. I of course appreciate the thought behind this ‘breathable masterpiece.’ No sweaty naps—good. Elevated so I can ignore my human more efficiently— excellent. But let’s be really real: it’s basically a fancy hammock, and I already own the windowsill. Points deducted for not including a built-in fan."

🐾 Pros & Cons (Because I’m Thorough)

✔️Pros

• No more belly sweat (critical for napping marathons)
• Sturdy enough for *aggressive biscuit-making*
• Easy to clean (because humans are messy)

❌ Cons

• Not technically a throne (disappointing)
• No heating pad (I DEMAND luxury)
• Humans keeps calling it a "dog bed" (offensive its our bed)

🌀 Check Price on Amazon 🐾

💤 Final Thoughts

*"Would I sleep on it again? Sure. Would I *admit* I like it? Absolutely not. This bed is for cats who *pretend* they don’t care but secretly enjoy the breeze."*

"For cats who demand both altitude and luxury."

Elevated Fluffy Cuddle Bed (Oval, Grey)

• ☁️ **Material:** Plush faux fur + detachable pad (*for when I spill my tuna*)
• ☁️ **Design:** Raised hammock (*elevation = superiority*)
• ☁️ **Size:** Fits "small dogs" (*insulting, but I’ll allow it*)
• ☁️ **Human’s Excuse for Buying It:** *"It’s orthopedic AND machine-washable!"* (*…fine.*)

👑 Salem’s Verdict: 4.2/5 Paws

*"At first glance, I thought: *‘Pathetic attempt at appeasing me.’* Then I napped in it. The **fluffy cloud base**? Divine. The **gentle sway** when I dramatically flop? Majestic. Minus 0.8 paws because the ‘small dog’ description haunts me."*

⚖️ The Royal Breakdown

✨ **Pros**

• Like napping on a *tiny luxury cruise ship*
• Detachable pad = easy to steal for other beds (*strategic*)
• Sturdy enough for *extensive biscuit-making sessions*

⚠️ **Cons**

• No heating option (*criminal oversight*)
• Requires *minimal assembly* (humans struggled)
• Makes me look *approachable* (unacceptable)

☁️ Claim Your Throne 🐾

💭 Final Meow

"I’ll never admit this to my human, but I’ve napped here *three times today*. The swaying is… unexpectedly soothing. If you’re a cat who enjoys subtle theatrics, this is your bed."

"A plush trap disguised as a ‘calming’ oasis."

Bedsure Calming Cat Bed (Camel, 20")

• 🛏️ **Material:** Faux fur so soft it’s *suspicious*
• 🛏️ **Shape:** Round "nest" (*for maximum dramatic curling*)
• 🛏️ **Gimmick:** "Calming" (*I am never calm*)
• 🛏️ **Human’s Excuse:** *"It has anti-slip bottoms!"* (*I slip anyway—on purpose.*)

👑 Salem’s Verdict: 3.5/5 Paws

*"Let’s be clear: I didn’t *ask* to be ‘calmed.’ But this bed? It’s like a *warm hug from a cloud I never wanted*. The faux fur is *disgustingly cozy*, and the raised rim is perfect for resting my chin while I judge everyone. Points deducted for the audacity of assuming I need ‘stress relief.’"*

🐾 The Honest Breakdown

🌟 Pros

• Faux fur = *ideal for kneading* (I made biscuits for 20 mins straight)
• Raised edges = *built-in privacy curtain* (for ignoring humans)
• Machine-washable (*because I will drool on it*)

💢 Cons

• Too cozy (I fell asleep and missed dinner once)
• Camel color = *shows my fur* (unacceptable)
• Label says "fits up to 15 lbs" (*rude and inaccurate—I’m fluffy, not fat!*)

🛌 Try the "Calming" thingy 🐈

💤 Final Thoughts

"Do I feel ‘calmed’? No. Do I keep returning to this bed like a traitor to my own principles? …Maybe. But It’s fine. We don’t have to talk about it."

"For cats who prefer their naps with a side of delusion."

Bedsure Pet Couch (24", Cream)

• 👑 **Material:** Corduroy fleece (*for peasants who want to feel fancy*)
• 👑 **Design:** Mini sofa (*because floor naps are for commoners*)
• 👑 **Feature:** Removable cover (*for when I "accidentally" claw it*)
• 👑 **Human's Excuse:** *"It matches our decor!"* (*I don't care about your aesthetic crisis*)

👑 Salem's Verdict: 4/5 Paws

*"At first I thought this was another human attempt at humor - a couch for cats? Ridiculous. Then my *less discerning* feline friend (pictured) claimed it. Naturally, I had to reclaim what's rightfully mine. The backrest is perfect for dramatic lounging, and the armrests? Ideal for dangling one paw with *calculated elegance*. Minus one paw because it makes me look approachable."*

"Proof that even inferior cats recognize quality when they see it."

⚖️ The Royal Assessment

💖 Pros

• Makes napping look *intentionally artistic*
• Armrests double as *chin rests for judging*
• Sturdy enough for *couch-to-floor dramatic leaps*

💔 Cons

• Too cute (*undermines my intimidating aura*)
• Friend keeps stealing it (*annoying*)
• Human calls it "our matching set" (*vomit*)

Fetch this immediately, human — I’ll wait… impatiently.

💭 Final Decree

*"Would I deign to be photographed on this? Absolutely. Would I share it willingly? Never. This couch is for cats who enjoy *the illusion of democracy* while maintaining absolute monarchy over all soft surfaces."*

My human thought this was funny. A bed that looks like ramen? I’ll admit… I was intrigued. So here we are—another review where I pretend this wasn’t my idea.

Ramen Noodle Cat Bed

• 🍥 **Design:** Looks like a giant ramen bowl (because why not?)
• 🍥 **Material:** Super soft fleece (I *guess* it’s acceptable)
• 🍥 **Feature:** Removable cushion (for when I spill my dignity)
• 🍥 **Human’s Reasoning:** "It’s *creative*!" (I prefer *functional*)

👑 Salem’s Verdict: 4.3/5 Paws

At first, I refused. A *noodle bed*? Absurd. But then I saw my friendo in it. And to be honset? it’s basically a throne disguised as food. The sides curl up just right for optimal lounging, and the fleece is *suspiciously* cozy. I’m deducting points because my human laughed at me.

🍥 The Honest Review

Why It Works

• Perfect for *dramatic curling*
• Soft enough for *extended beauty naps*
• Makes me look like *art* (which I am)

Why It’s Problematic

• Human keeps calling me *"noodle cat"* (unforgivable)
• Too cute (*compromises my intimidating aura*)
• Friends might think I *like* it (I tolerate it)

Purrfection is one click away.

🍜 Final Meow

Do I like it? Yes'nt. Will I continue using it every day? …Possibly. This bed is for cats who enjoy luxury with a side of irony.

My Noble Duty Is Complete

After extensive research (and many, many naps), I’ve concluded that humans will buy *anything* labeled "for cats." Some beds were worthy. Others were… questionable. But my work here is done.

Will I continue judging? Obviously. Will I admit I enjoyed this? Never.

🐾 The Official Ranking (By a Cat Who Knows Best)

1. Fluffy Cuddle Throne

Because elevation = superiority

2. Ramen Noodle Bowl

Ironically luxurious

3. MEOWFIA Cat Cave

For mysterious loafing

💌 A Message to My Human

"Next time you buy me something, make sure it’s heated, expandable, and comes with a personal servant. Until then, I’ll be napping. Do not disturb."

🐈‍⬛ The End… Or Is It?

Follow my adventures me for more unbiased reviews. Or don’t. I’m not your boss. (Yes, I literally am.)